How to Have the Best Sex
I'm writing this to married couples and those that would like to be married one day. I personally believe that sex is best in the safety of the God-ordained covenant of marriage.
My little brother got married this past weekend, and the natural topic of conversation that obviously happens during a wedding weekend is on the subject of sex, which inspired me to write this post. I am, BY NO MEANS, a sex expert, but I do consider myself somewhat capable of maintaining healthy relationships. So this post is less about the actual act of sex, compared to the more important relationship, where sex is simply the added to bonus. A really great bonus I might add...
The wisdom in this post first came to me from my clinical psychologist in Florida, Dr. David Dupere. About five years ago, Ash and I would see Dr. Dupere (Dr.D) every week for a year, when I was struggling with panic disorder/depression. However, once I started to get better by changing the way my mind worked, the counseling sessions turned into marriage counseling, even though Ash and I weren't married yet. It was great!
And briefly, here's what I learned about how to have the best sex:
You don't need chocolates in order to have the best sex. You don't need certain fragrances. You don't need alcohol. You don't even need six pack abs. You don't need to be Rico Suave in the bedroom. You don't need the newest 'self help sex life' book.
NOT that those things are bad and not that they won't help make your sex life better, but in order to have the best sex, I believe you/we need to have one simple thing/action:
confession.
As Dr. D taught us, simply put, confession breeds intimacy.
Sex alone is an act of vulnerability, but the type of vulnerability I'm referring to is about the kind of vulnerability where we don't just show the outside of ourselves, but more importantly, the inside parts of ourselves; the parts that cannot been seen with the human eye-the secret parts of your mind that you've always been afraid to talk about, fearing disapproval from those that you care about most. For example, let's say Ash and I watch a movie, where there is a disturbing murder scene. I know it shook me and even brought up some terrible memories and caused fear in me towards the future. In that moment, I can choose to keep it inside myself, OR I can tell my wife, "Babe, I don't know why, but there was a part in that movie that really messed with me. Here's what that scene made me think about."
C.S. Lewis writes, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Through the act of confession, the more honest and vulnerable someone is with another person, the closer they feel towards one another. And hence, the truly closer you feel with someone, I believe is when truly the best sex can happen.
Borrowing hope from one non-sex expert to another,
Zach