How Can Mom and Dad Still Be Husband and Wife?

Written by Ashley

This week some of our best friends came over to hangout and celebrate with us after Everly went to bed. We celebrated Ev’s 1st birthday (way early...poor Christmas baby) and now we wanted to revel in the fact that we had done this parenthood thing for a year.

They asked us some questions to help us reflect over the past year. We eventually got into conversation about our marriages. We talked about how sad it was that several marriages that had lasted the same length of ours had already ended. Many of them because of devastating experiences like infidelity, addiction, or past hurts that hadn’t been dealt with. These friends we were talking with were just about to celebrate their 2 year anniversary. They were so relieved to hear that after 6 long years (haha!), our marriage was “good” and had not experienced some crazy, devastating issue like the ones we had previously discussed.

But something didn’t sit well with me the moment we said our marriage was “good.” I knew of the thousand tiny moments my mind and heart had been angry, disappointed, shutdown. A year of becoming mom and dad had lead to a year of forgetting to be husband and wife. We had become great at partnering to change diapers, give baths, and comfort a baby at 3am. But we had lost a lot of pursuit and intentionality in our marriage.

Here’s the funny thing; we were warned. So many who had gone before us told us this would happen. It’s not that we didn’t believe them, we just couldn’t see it coming. We have found comfort in knowing now that we aren’t alone.

Here are some steps we’ve taken to remember how to be Husband and Wife, not just Mom and Dad:

  1. We’re talking. The baby goes to bed at 7, so we’re pretty much on lockdown in our house after that. We’re talking about our disappointments and hard times. We’re saying we’re sorry, and we’re forgiving. But you know what we’re also doing? We’re talking about some good things. We’re talking about how thankful we are, acknowledging when we feel loved and cared for.

  2. We’re being intentional. A mantra that has surfaced for me has been, “How can I love Zach today?” As simple as it sounds, I need to look for moments I can intentional show him how important he is to me. It might be putting his clothes away (and he knows I hate doing that), bringing a coffee to him at work, or just texting him. Whatever it is, I have to purpose in my mind to make him important to me, because HE IS.

  3. We’re praying. Before we fall asleep every night, I know we’re going to pray together. We’re asking the Lord to help us love each other well, for wisdom to parent our daughter, to guide our steps, and give us faith to trust Him.

  4. We’re laughing. Yep. Fun and laughter is a priority in this house.

While we’re far from getting these things right, we’re trying. And praying the Lord would bless our efforts and hearts to have an even better than GOOD marriage. I pray this brings you hope today!